Mothers Day Isn't Always Happy....

Mothers day is right around the corner, and as much as I love being a mom, I have to admit, this is one holiday that I don't enjoy.  Over the years I have had some great Mothers Days, both as a child spoiling my mom, and as a mother, being gifted with trinkets and projects that were made with so much love.
I know that I have been blessed doubly on this holiday, not everyone is lucky enough to celebrate with both
their mothers and their children, but its still a hard one for me.

17 weeks and 3 days

Yesterday I was 17 weeks and 3 days pregnant.

In my first two pregnancies, this day meant nothing, it wasn't memorable in any way.  I would have been anxiously waiting for my ultrasound, dreaming up nursery ideas, picking names.  I would have been lost in a cloud of happy pregnant-ness.

My third pregnancy ended at 17 weeks 3 days.  At 17 weeks 3 days, i woke up pregnant with Joshua for the last time, I went to the hospital when they called.  I survived a day that still haunts my dreams.  I came home at what should have been 17 weeks 4 days with an empty body and a broken heart. My son came home 6 days later, his ashes tucked inside of the belly of a tiny blue teddy bear.

Its so surreal to think that right now I would have had a six month old. In a different reality he would be starting on solids, rolling around, laughing and playing with his big sisters. I wish for that every day. I wish I had never had to hold my son and not feel him move.  I wish I had never had to leave him at the hospital. I wish I had never had to have the conversation with my eldest daughter that sometimes babies don't get to live with their families, but have to go straight back to heaven instead. I wish for those things with all my heart, but unfortunately its the hand that I have been dealt.

Here I sit now, 17 weeks and 4 days pregnant with a new baby. A baby that the Dr's and geneticist's have told me has just a teeny tiny chance ( 1 in 14,000) of being affected by a trisonomy ( you know, I didn't know it was possible to actually hate a word, but i hate that one).  Last May I would have given anything to have been 17 weeks 4 days pregnant. Tomorrow I will be 17 weeks 5 days pregnant, in a few weeks I will go for my big ultrasound, and before I know it, my little baby will be here in my arms. I feel so blessed.

Its amazing how my perspective on pregnancy has changed, each milestone, each test that we pass, every single day is a triumph, and yet its tinged with a sadness that Joshua couldn't have had this as well. It makes me appreciate the simple things so much more, makes even the hardest parts of pregnancy seem not so bad.  How can I complain about morning sickness and back pain when my baby is alive?  How can anything bother me when I get to go maternity clothes shopping instead of urn shopping?

I can feel in my heart that this baby will come home with us, will be a part of our days, our weeks and months, and our lives. I am so blessed, but I miss him.  I have come to accept that this isn't going to go away. There is no bouncing back from a loss like this, and that's alright.  I may not be able to hold my son in my arms today, but i can feel the piece of my heart that is his.  Sometimes, like today and the last few days, it hurts, but sometimes, when I'm watching my daughters sleep, or just sitting in the tub relaxing, I can imagine that hes here with me.

Sometimes I have to pretend that I'm okay, and sometimes I really am.  One thing I do know, is that I am blessed. I have four beautiful children in my heart, and if the number in my arms doesn't match today, I can have faith that it will one day.  Today I am 17 weeks and 4 days pregnant, and I am blessed.



New Ink

Last week was Joshua's due date.  I cant express how hard it was for me to get through, I just don't have the words.
All week I was plagued by thoughts that Im usually very good at repressing. Thoughts of what could have been, what should have been.  Memories of my girls as newborns, and questions of would he have been the same? would he have been different? What would he have looked like? What would the birth have been like?  I didn't let myself hide from them though, even though it hurt.
I don't want to pretend, even to myself that he didn't exist. In his own way, Joshua is as much a part of me as my girls.  I wanted to do something to remind me of him, not in the all consuming painful way, but in a calmer way. I want a reminder that eh si always with me, will always be a part of me.
On Friday ( his due date) I got this,

I love it. Its an exact copy of the footprints they took in the hospital after he was born.  I wanted to get it done sooner, within days of his birth, but i don't think i was ready.  It feels right that I had it done on his due date, that should have been the day he came home with us forever, and now a little piece of him has. 

Three Months

Joshuas' ashes and the prayer bear his daddy bought him when
he found out we were pregnant

Joshua,
Its been three months since we said goodbye to you.  Not a day ( not a moment) has gone by that you are not with me, in my thought, in my heart.  I wish more than anything that things could have been different. That I could be sitting here at this desk writing about how soon you would be here, showing off pictures of your room, of the many little tiny outfits I had picked out for you, about how your sisters were so excited to meet you.
I have your ashes on the nightstand beside my bed.  You are tucked safely inside the belly of a beautiful blue teddy bear.  Sometimes I wake up in the night just to hold you, and i wonder to myself if you can feel it.  I hope you know how much you are loved, how the few months you grew inside me and the painfully short hours I was able to hold you in my arms have forever been etched on me, heart and soul.  I hope your happy and you feel my love for you, I hope youre surrounded by it.
I read something the other day and it spoke directly to me,
"They say that time in heaven is compared to 'the blink of an eye' for us on this earth. Sometimes it helps me to think of my child running ahead of me through a beautiful field of wildflowers and butterflies; so happy and completely caught up in what he is doing that when he looks behind him, I'll already be there."

I hope so much that this is true, and that we will be together again, and the time we were apart will ahve been nothing. Until that time though, I just hope you knwo how much youre loved.

There really are no words

Hi all, I'm sorry Ive been MIA, but things haven't been so great around the Modern Housewife home.  I recently had the joy to announce to the world that we were expecting baby #3.  For a few short weeks I was blissfully happy, unfortunately it just wasn't meant to be.
Our baby is not well, and unfortunately he will not be joining us as we had hoped.  I am currently 17 weeks pregnant and our baby boy will be coming this week.
We have named him Joshua Anthony.
I feel thoroughly broken, and have not even come close to wrapping my head around this.  Ive cried until I though there could not possibly be any more tears, and then Ive cried some more. Ive begged, pleaded and railed at fate, and the cruelty of all of this.
I'm hoping in time acceptance will come, and maybe even peace, but for now there is only sadness, and a whole in my heart that feels like it will never heal.
I came across a poem this morning that really resonated with me today, and I want to share it with you all, because as much as I can wish that this would never happen to anyone, I know I am not alone.  I hope that if there is any mother out there who is grieving right now, this can bring you a small amount of comfort.

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother
And I know I heard Him say...

A mother has a baby
This we know is true.
But, God, can you be a mother
... when your baby is not with you?

Yes, you can He replied,
With confidence in His voice.
I give many women babies
When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime,
And others just for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared His throat
And then I saw a tear.

I wish I could show you
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile
With other children and say:

"We go to earth to learn our lessons
Of love and life and fear.
My mommy loved me Oh so much
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a mom
Who has so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My mommy set me free.

I miss my mommy Oh so much,
But I visit every day.
When she goes to sleep
On her pillow is where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And I whisper in her ear.
Mommy don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I'm here."

So, you see my dear sweet one,
Your children are not blue.
Your babies are here in MY home,
They'll be at Heaven's gate waiting for you.

So now you see what makes a mother,
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of,
Right from the very start.

Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother,
Until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day,
And they'll know you were the best one.