All week I was plagued by thoughts that Im usually very good at repressing. Thoughts of what could have been, what should have been. Memories of my girls as newborns, and questions of would he have been the same? would he have been different? What would he have looked like? What would the birth have been like? I didn't let myself hide from them though, even though it hurt.
I don't want to pretend, even to myself that he didn't exist. In his own way, Joshua is as much a part of me as my girls. I wanted to do something to remind me of him, not in the all consuming painful way, but in a calmer way. I want a reminder that eh si always with me, will always be a part of me.
On Friday ( his due date) I got this,
I love it. Its an exact copy of the footprints they took in the hospital after he was born. I wanted to get it done sooner, within days of his birth, but i don't think i was ready. It feels right that I had it done on his due date, that should have been the day he came home with us forever, and now a little piece of him has.