Mothers Day Isn't Always Happy....

Mothers day is right around the corner, and as much as I love being a mom, I have to admit, this is one holiday that I don't enjoy.  Over the years I have had some great Mothers Days, both as a child spoiling my mom, and as a mother, being gifted with trinkets and projects that were made with so much love.
I know that I have been blessed doubly on this holiday, not everyone is lucky enough to celebrate with both
their mothers and their children, but its still a hard one for me.

The Thing About Grief

Its been almost two years since I said goodbye to my son Joshua.
Two years.  Two years that have been so full, full of love, pain, grief, joy.
So much has happened in the last two years, and yet so much has stayed the same.
I miss my son. I never thought there would be a day when I didn't, but i didn't expect for it not to have at least dimmed a little.  I miss my son today in the same way I missed him the day after he passed.  I'm still healing, as I suspect I will be until the day I die.  I'm ok with that though, I don't want to be numb to it.

17 weeks and 3 days

Yesterday I was 17 weeks and 3 days pregnant.

In my first two pregnancies, this day meant nothing, it wasn't memorable in any way.  I would have been anxiously waiting for my ultrasound, dreaming up nursery ideas, picking names.  I would have been lost in a cloud of happy pregnant-ness.

My third pregnancy ended at 17 weeks 3 days.  At 17 weeks 3 days, i woke up pregnant with Joshua for the last time, I went to the hospital when they called.  I survived a day that still haunts my dreams.  I came home at what should have been 17 weeks 4 days with an empty body and a broken heart. My son came home 6 days later, his ashes tucked inside of the belly of a tiny blue teddy bear.

Its so surreal to think that right now I would have had a six month old. In a different reality he would be starting on solids, rolling around, laughing and playing with his big sisters. I wish for that every day. I wish I had never had to hold my son and not feel him move.  I wish I had never had to leave him at the hospital. I wish I had never had to have the conversation with my eldest daughter that sometimes babies don't get to live with their families, but have to go straight back to heaven instead. I wish for those things with all my heart, but unfortunately its the hand that I have been dealt.

Here I sit now, 17 weeks and 4 days pregnant with a new baby. A baby that the Dr's and geneticist's have told me has just a teeny tiny chance ( 1 in 14,000) of being affected by a trisonomy ( you know, I didn't know it was possible to actually hate a word, but i hate that one).  Last May I would have given anything to have been 17 weeks 4 days pregnant. Tomorrow I will be 17 weeks 5 days pregnant, in a few weeks I will go for my big ultrasound, and before I know it, my little baby will be here in my arms. I feel so blessed.

Its amazing how my perspective on pregnancy has changed, each milestone, each test that we pass, every single day is a triumph, and yet its tinged with a sadness that Joshua couldn't have had this as well. It makes me appreciate the simple things so much more, makes even the hardest parts of pregnancy seem not so bad.  How can I complain about morning sickness and back pain when my baby is alive?  How can anything bother me when I get to go maternity clothes shopping instead of urn shopping?

I can feel in my heart that this baby will come home with us, will be a part of our days, our weeks and months, and our lives. I am so blessed, but I miss him.  I have come to accept that this isn't going to go away. There is no bouncing back from a loss like this, and that's alright.  I may not be able to hold my son in my arms today, but i can feel the piece of my heart that is his.  Sometimes, like today and the last few days, it hurts, but sometimes, when I'm watching my daughters sleep, or just sitting in the tub relaxing, I can imagine that hes here with me.

Sometimes I have to pretend that I'm okay, and sometimes I really am.  One thing I do know, is that I am blessed. I have four beautiful children in my heart, and if the number in my arms doesn't match today, I can have faith that it will one day.  Today I am 17 weeks and 4 days pregnant, and I am blessed.



New Ink

Last week was Joshua's due date.  I cant express how hard it was for me to get through, I just don't have the words.
All week I was plagued by thoughts that Im usually very good at repressing. Thoughts of what could have been, what should have been.  Memories of my girls as newborns, and questions of would he have been the same? would he have been different? What would he have looked like? What would the birth have been like?  I didn't let myself hide from them though, even though it hurt.
I don't want to pretend, even to myself that he didn't exist. In his own way, Joshua is as much a part of me as my girls.  I wanted to do something to remind me of him, not in the all consuming painful way, but in a calmer way. I want a reminder that eh si always with me, will always be a part of me.
On Friday ( his due date) I got this,

I love it. Its an exact copy of the footprints they took in the hospital after he was born.  I wanted to get it done sooner, within days of his birth, but i don't think i was ready.  It feels right that I had it done on his due date, that should have been the day he came home with us forever, and now a little piece of him has. 

Joshua

Joshua is never far from my mind, but it seems in the last few days he hasn't left it for a moment.

This past Monday was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.  So many people I know have been touched by the loss of a child, and while I wish that noone in the world would ever have to go through this, I cannot express how much the support i have received from women who have been in my shoes has mean to me. 
Tonight, the hospital where Joshua was born held a memorial for lost babies. Being back there, brought back a flood of memories. To be honest, before we left I almost decided not to go, I wasn't sure if I could handle it, if i could walk past the building where I had my amnio, the doors where we entered the hospital to deliver him, knowing he wouldn't be coming home with us, in the end though, im glad I went.  We brought Sophia with us, she helped us to light a candle. It was nice to have her be a part of this. We've talked to her about what happened, she knows that the baby in mommies tummy had to go to heaven, but that hes still her brother and he loves her very much, but this is the first tangible thing we've done with her. 
This Friday, October 19th, would have been Joshua's due date.  If he was an early bird like Sophia, he would probably be asleep in my arms right now, if he was more like Vanessa, I still would have been waiting a while. Having the day this close now is like an acute reminder of what should have been, and its been hard.  On Friday i have an appointment to do something special for my lost little boy. Ill share it with you all once its done.