Mothers Day Isn't Always Happy....

Mothers day is right around the corner, and as much as I love being a mom, I have to admit, this is one holiday that I don't enjoy.  Over the years I have had some great Mothers Days, both as a child spoiling my mom, and as a mother, being gifted with trinkets and projects that were made with so much love.
I know that I have been blessed doubly on this holiday, not everyone is lucky enough to celebrate with both
their mothers and their children, but its still a hard one for me.

I wear Joshua's tiny footprints,  on my wrist 

Having children is not something that has come easy to me.  Its never been a case of " hey Sweetie, lets make a baby".  My family has been grown with the help of careful timing, constant monitoring, more blood draws and ultrasounds than I could ever count, pills, pills, and more pills, and in the case of my youngest, daily injections.
I'm not bitter about it though, it is what it is, and I know that I could have faced much worse, and that many do.  I have been blessed with three beautiful children that I get to hold in my arms every day.  Unfortunately I don't get to hold all of my children, and that's where the sadness comes from.
I have been pregnant six times.  I have held six babies in my body, but I have only brought three home.
Twice, my pregnancies have ended almost as soon as they began, like shooting stars, I barely had time to enjoy them before they were gone.
Joshua was different.  My dear sweet Joshua, was born sleeping on May 16th, 2012, I was 5 months pregnant.  We found out two weeks before that there was no hope, my baby was just too sick, and that year I spent mothers day waiting for the end to come.
When I started my family, I never knew how much sadness the journey would hold for me, that it would bring me to my lowest, darkest point.  On the other hand though, I could never have imagined the joy.  In the days and weeks after losing Joshua, I felt like I had lost myself, and it was my kids, my beautiful daughters who brought me back to the light.
Ill never forget the day that my eldest daughter, who was two and a half, came to me after a particularly hard day, I was in the kitchen making dinner, and she must have sensed that I was down because she wrapped her chubby little toddler arms around me and said "Mommy, I want to kiss your heart better".

I would have been lost without them.

This year, mothers day falls five days before Joshua's second birthday, and I know that it will be tinged with sadness, but I'm trying to remember that even though I cant hold all of my children in my arms, I can hold them in my heart.

I wish you all a Happy Mothers Day.
I wish for peace and healing to all those who struggle with this holiday, myself included.
I wish you all love.

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