Joshua

Joshua is never far from my mind, but it seems in the last few days he hasn't left it for a moment.

This past Monday was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.  So many people I know have been touched by the loss of a child, and while I wish that noone in the world would ever have to go through this, I cannot express how much the support i have received from women who have been in my shoes has mean to me. 
Tonight, the hospital where Joshua was born held a memorial for lost babies. Being back there, brought back a flood of memories. To be honest, before we left I almost decided not to go, I wasn't sure if I could handle it, if i could walk past the building where I had my amnio, the doors where we entered the hospital to deliver him, knowing he wouldn't be coming home with us, in the end though, im glad I went.  We brought Sophia with us, she helped us to light a candle. It was nice to have her be a part of this. We've talked to her about what happened, she knows that the baby in mommies tummy had to go to heaven, but that hes still her brother and he loves her very much, but this is the first tangible thing we've done with her. 
This Friday, October 19th, would have been Joshua's due date.  If he was an early bird like Sophia, he would probably be asleep in my arms right now, if he was more like Vanessa, I still would have been waiting a while. Having the day this close now is like an acute reminder of what should have been, and its been hard.  On Friday i have an appointment to do something special for my lost little boy. Ill share it with you all once its done.

Three Months

Joshuas' ashes and the prayer bear his daddy bought him when
he found out we were pregnant

Joshua,
Its been three months since we said goodbye to you.  Not a day ( not a moment) has gone by that you are not with me, in my thought, in my heart.  I wish more than anything that things could have been different. That I could be sitting here at this desk writing about how soon you would be here, showing off pictures of your room, of the many little tiny outfits I had picked out for you, about how your sisters were so excited to meet you.
I have your ashes on the nightstand beside my bed.  You are tucked safely inside the belly of a beautiful blue teddy bear.  Sometimes I wake up in the night just to hold you, and i wonder to myself if you can feel it.  I hope you know how much you are loved, how the few months you grew inside me and the painfully short hours I was able to hold you in my arms have forever been etched on me, heart and soul.  I hope your happy and you feel my love for you, I hope youre surrounded by it.
I read something the other day and it spoke directly to me,
"They say that time in heaven is compared to 'the blink of an eye' for us on this earth. Sometimes it helps me to think of my child running ahead of me through a beautiful field of wildflowers and butterflies; so happy and completely caught up in what he is doing that when he looks behind him, I'll already be there."

I hope so much that this is true, and that we will be together again, and the time we were apart will ahve been nothing. Until that time though, I just hope you knwo how much youre loved.

There really are no words

Hi all, I'm sorry Ive been MIA, but things haven't been so great around the Modern Housewife home.  I recently had the joy to announce to the world that we were expecting baby #3.  For a few short weeks I was blissfully happy, unfortunately it just wasn't meant to be.
Our baby is not well, and unfortunately he will not be joining us as we had hoped.  I am currently 17 weeks pregnant and our baby boy will be coming this week.
We have named him Joshua Anthony.
I feel thoroughly broken, and have not even come close to wrapping my head around this.  Ive cried until I though there could not possibly be any more tears, and then Ive cried some more. Ive begged, pleaded and railed at fate, and the cruelty of all of this.
I'm hoping in time acceptance will come, and maybe even peace, but for now there is only sadness, and a whole in my heart that feels like it will never heal.
I came across a poem this morning that really resonated with me today, and I want to share it with you all, because as much as I can wish that this would never happen to anyone, I know I am not alone.  I hope that if there is any mother out there who is grieving right now, this can bring you a small amount of comfort.

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother
And I know I heard Him say...

A mother has a baby
This we know is true.
But, God, can you be a mother
... when your baby is not with you?

Yes, you can He replied,
With confidence in His voice.
I give many women babies
When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime,
And others just for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared His throat
And then I saw a tear.

I wish I could show you
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile
With other children and say:

"We go to earth to learn our lessons
Of love and life and fear.
My mommy loved me Oh so much
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a mom
Who has so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My mommy set me free.

I miss my mommy Oh so much,
But I visit every day.
When she goes to sleep
On her pillow is where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And I whisper in her ear.
Mommy don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I'm here."

So, you see my dear sweet one,
Your children are not blue.
Your babies are here in MY home,
They'll be at Heaven's gate waiting for you.

So now you see what makes a mother,
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of,
Right from the very start.

Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother,
Until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day,
And they'll know you were the best one.