New Ink

Last week was Joshua's due date.  I cant express how hard it was for me to get through, I just don't have the words.
All week I was plagued by thoughts that Im usually very good at repressing. Thoughts of what could have been, what should have been.  Memories of my girls as newborns, and questions of would he have been the same? would he have been different? What would he have looked like? What would the birth have been like?  I didn't let myself hide from them though, even though it hurt.
I don't want to pretend, even to myself that he didn't exist. In his own way, Joshua is as much a part of me as my girls.  I wanted to do something to remind me of him, not in the all consuming painful way, but in a calmer way. I want a reminder that eh si always with me, will always be a part of me.
On Friday ( his due date) I got this,

I love it. Its an exact copy of the footprints they took in the hospital after he was born.  I wanted to get it done sooner, within days of his birth, but i don't think i was ready.  It feels right that I had it done on his due date, that should have been the day he came home with us forever, and now a little piece of him has. 

I guess she was tired!

I always thought I was a good sleeper, but my daughters put me to shame!

Halloween Gangnam Style

I believe the word is EPIC

My Girls bathroom

Now that the countdown to closing on our new build has begun, I can get down to the really fun stuff. Decorating!  I cant wait to start shopping and painting and wallpapering and trimming and, well everything.
One of the rooms I'm really excited about is my girls bathroom. At our old house, we just had the one main bathroom upstairs, so i wasn't allowed to "girlify" it too much. How we have our own ensuite bathroom and my husband has given me free reign to do what I want for the girls bathroom.
This is what it looks like right now,

As you can see, I've really had to use my imagination.   

When me and the husband were in Barbados in 2009, we went swimming with turtles, and we got some great pictures.  I've always wanted to have them up in the house, but until now I havn't really had a place for them.  This one is my favourite, and its the main inspiration for this room,

Its going to be an ocean theme! Im so excited, Ive been pinning away for weeks! I know I want this shower curtain , by Anthropologie. 

 I cant see myself spending $118 on a shower curtain though, so I may attempt to make my own.  I found a simple enough ( and free) tutorial here.

I know Im going to want to include some beach glass, I was thinking in the mirror like this,

Did you know that you can get beach glass counters! I think this would be a super cute alternative to the granite/quartz we were considering.

but Im also in love with these driftwood mirrors, and they would be so simple to DIY,

I also want to hang some starfish from the walls and try to incorporate a mermaid or two for some whimsy, but i havn't found anything yet.   I think the hardest part of this bathroom is going to be keeping it from being "too much", I want to keep it pretty simple.  I cant wait for it all to come together.

Modern Housewife on twitter

@modern_wife

Soy Mocha Latte

I love coffee, i always have. Its a running joke in my house that I'm slowly trying to replace all the blood in my body with straight up caffeine.  I'm usually a simple double double girl, and I'm usually running my coffee maker at least twice a day. Lately though, all the ads and talk about fall inspired fancy coffees has me wanting to break out of my coffee slump comfort zone.
I started with lattes, or at least my simple home made version of them, and i really like them, but then I found this recipe and its like my eyes have been opened!

Soy Mocha Latte
2/3 cup soy milk ( i use unsweetened Silk)
1 short espresso extra strong
1 Tbsp. chocolate syrup
1.tsp sugar
whipped cream (optional)

Heat the soy milk in the microwave until its steaming ( mine took about 1:45, but this microwave isnt exactly top of the line) add espresso, chocolate syrup, sugar and stir well. Top with whipped Cream.

Thats it, it takes less than three minutes and is oh so yummy!
Enjoy

A Manly Pacifier

I need to know where to find these!

This is me Today

Joshua

Joshua is never far from my mind, but it seems in the last few days he hasn't left it for a moment.

This past Monday was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.  So many people I know have been touched by the loss of a child, and while I wish that noone in the world would ever have to go through this, I cannot express how much the support i have received from women who have been in my shoes has mean to me. 
Tonight, the hospital where Joshua was born held a memorial for lost babies. Being back there, brought back a flood of memories. To be honest, before we left I almost decided not to go, I wasn't sure if I could handle it, if i could walk past the building where I had my amnio, the doors where we entered the hospital to deliver him, knowing he wouldn't be coming home with us, in the end though, im glad I went.  We brought Sophia with us, she helped us to light a candle. It was nice to have her be a part of this. We've talked to her about what happened, she knows that the baby in mommies tummy had to go to heaven, but that hes still her brother and he loves her very much, but this is the first tangible thing we've done with her. 
This Friday, October 19th, would have been Joshua's due date.  If he was an early bird like Sophia, he would probably be asleep in my arms right now, if he was more like Vanessa, I still would have been waiting a while. Having the day this close now is like an acute reminder of what should have been, and its been hard.  On Friday i have an appointment to do something special for my lost little boy. Ill share it with you all once its done.

To The Child In My Heart

Tonight we went to memorial for lost babies at the hospital where Joshua was born. They read this poem and it really resonated with me, so I want to share it in hope that it can bring some peace to anyone looking for some.

To the Child In my heart
Author Unknown
Oh precious, tiny, sweet little one
You will always be to me
So perfect, pure, and innocent
Just as you were meant to be.

We dreamed of you and your life
And all that it would be.
We waited and longed for you to come
And join our family.

We never had the chance to play,
To laugh, to rock, to wiggle.
We long to hold you, touch you now,
And listen to you giggle.

I’ll always be your mother
He’ll always be your dad.
You will always be our child,
The child that we had.

But now you’re gone…but yet you’re here
We sense you everywhere.
You are our sorrow and our joy,
There’s love in every tear.

Just know our love goes deep and strong,
We’ll forget you never—
The child we had, but never had,
And yet, will have forever.


Hugs to all who need them tonight

OMG

Look at these, squeeee!

I am LITERALLY dying of the cuteness.
Leggings by C.C Lovely and Lace

I am obsessed

Me and my Uggs

I have a confession...
I am an Ugg fan ( hangs head in shame). I cant help it, I love them so much, Ive even been known to wear them in the summer with a dress (gasp). There is nothing more comfy than a pair of Uggs and a pair of leggings with a big comfy sweater for fall.

I have been trying for a few years to find a pair of boots that are even close to as comfy as my Uggs and have failed on multiple attempts. This year though I am going to double my efforts because i have a new love....boot socks.
How freakin gorgeous are these things?  I just bought like forty pairs, and modelled them for my hubby who promptly swore he would not be seen in public with me if I insisted on wearing them with my Uggs.  This coming from the man who went through a phase of wearing only shirts silk screened with pictures of cars and flames on them.  Where is the loyalty I ask?
So now I am in search of a pair of boots that will work with my socks. I found these,

but I seriously doubt that hubby will let me spend almost $500 on a pair of boots that i only want because they'll show off my socks. So Im turning to you readers, I need a good pair of fall/winter boots, flat, preferably leather, that dont cost a mortgage payment. Any suggestions?